Sorry about the Creation of a p***** Joke, so heres more

One for the girls????????

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk,
they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,
he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher
and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman
would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive,
but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion,
as they are lying together in the after glow,
the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

Daz.

 

A man takes his wife to the State Fair
and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says,
This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says,
"He mated 50 times last year",
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says,
"This Bull mated 120 times last year".

The wife hits her husband and says,
"That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying,
"This Bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife gets really excited and says
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

The husband looks at her and says....
"Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow".

 

A construction worker came home just in time
to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs
to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed,
"Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope.
You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire"

 

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night,
she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives,
the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements
as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day
the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'.
The mother got the newspaper
and checked the Maxwell House advertisement,
and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...'

So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'.
So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says,
'Full size, king size'.

And the mother is happy.
Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious.
After four weeks came the message:
'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British
Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways"

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren’t you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.
It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn’t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I’m over here, on your swing."

 

Another one for the ladies

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy".

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition," said God. "What's that, Lord?"

"Because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

 

One more for the Ladies

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

 

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and saying a sweet "hello!"
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
Finally he says, "Um, do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my children."
Uh oh....

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and has a sudden recollection of a drunken party.
"My god," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I coaxed into a private room with a $50 bill, and then we had sex on the pool table with all my buddies watching from the door while I yelled ’I call the corner pocket!’ while you screamed ’Harder, harder!’ and ’Deeper, deeper!’?"
She hardly missed a beat when she said "Well, no. I’m your son’s math teacher."

 

Ok I’m struggling to keep this one going so if you have any good ones (jokes) to add in here, be my guest. Come on, everyone has a good joke tucked away somewhere.

Daz.

 

Too many viewing and not contributing, come on I need some help. Give it your best shot..... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
So what, someone may laugh.
I thought you lot had a sence on humour????????

Daz.