An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God. "To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed. The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V. The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants. His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Mexican woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Mexican woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Mexican woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
