Sorry about the Creation of a p***** Joke, so heres more

Discussion in 'Temptation Cancun' started by barnstyke, Nov 29, 2006.

  1. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
    and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! What are you doing?"

    The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
    few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ’dry’ and is going
    to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river and floats downstream.

    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
    the side, then asks the lizard, "What’s the matter with you?"
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
    joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
    river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks up the river bank, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"

    The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck!!!.......how much water did
    you drink?!
     
  2. EngineerGuy

    EngineerGuy I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    :lol: :lol: thats the best one yet! LOVED it!
     
  3. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    Thanks

    I like to one about the cow with no lips.

    When you tell it to someone, just watch there lips. LOL
     
  4. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high spending, forever nagging, wife told him "ok you small brained dumbf*ck, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
     
  5. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
    “As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
    The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
    “Now do the same,” he instructs.
    The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
    When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
     
  6. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Pip, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

    She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why are Pips legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "Well Honey, this way God can come down and take Pip to heaven easier."

    The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

    Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?"

    And Susie said, "Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming ’Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming!!’

    And if it wasn’t for the mailman holding her down she would have been a gonner."
     
  7. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    A young couple, not long married, find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonising days and nights they agree that the wife should go out whoring to help make ends meet.

    "What should I do?" asks the wife. "I dunno, just put on something sexy and hang around by the gate." says her husband.

    So, she goes out and, after a very short time, a punter pulls up and enquires after the price of a screw. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn’t know how much a screw is but she will find out. She rushes inside and tells her husband that there is a guy outside who wants to know how much a screw is. "$60" says hubby.

    She rushes back to the punter and conveys the price to him. He tells her that he only has $40 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "For forty bucks, he gets a blow job!" says hubby. So back out she goes.

    The guy is happy with the price and they settle into the car to commence business. But wifey can’t contain her absolute delight as the guy whops out the biggest dick she has ever laid eyes on.

    "Hang on" she blurts to the guy, as she jumps out of the car and runs back into the house.

    "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we could lend him $20?....."
     
  8. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    In the days of the gold rush, a gold miner by the name of Tom Smith has had enough after working his claim for 5 years. The only thing he can think of is sex and he’s not settling for any local town whores. So he goes on a quest to find him self a virgin with money being no object.

    After 6 months of searching, he stumbles across a weird old man who says “cross my palm with gold and I will tell you where you’ll find yourself a virgin”. So tom got all excited and gave the old man a small gold nugget.

    The old man told tom ,“ Head out of town on the east road and ride for 30 miles till you come to a FR “. Tom says “what’s a FR”?
    The old man reply’s “A Forked Road so take the left turn and keep going till you come to a IR”
    Tom says “What’s a IR”?
    The old man reply’s “A Indian Reservation so go to the middle of the reservation till you find a big TP”
    Tom says “what’s a big TP”
    The old man reply’s” A big Totem Pole, next to the big Totem Pole you will see a big WW”
    Tom says “What’s a big WW”
    The old man reply’s “A big WigWam, go inside and you will find a IM”
    Tom says “What’s a IM”
    The old man reply’s “A Indian Maiden so off you go and enjoy yourself”


    Four days latter tom staggers back into the old man’s shack all cut up and in a right old mess.
    The old man asks “what happened to you”
    Tom says “Well I did as you told me, I rode out of town on the east road till I came to the FR”
    The old man says “Yes the Forked Road”
    “Then I rode to the IR” said Tom.
    “Yes the Indian Reservation” said the old man.
    “Then I found the big TP” said Tom.
    “Yes the big Totem Pole” said the old man.
    “Then I went inside and found the IM” said Tom.
    “Yes the Indian Maiden, so what happened next” said the old man.
    “Well we was just getting down to it and in walked the FBI” said Tom
    “What the Federal Bureau of Investigation” Said the old man.


    “No………. A FU*KING BIG INDIAN”!!!!!!!
     
  9. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    To celebrate Christmas, a pub landlord says the first 3 customers who can present him with something to do with Christmas can have free drinks for the rest of the evening.

    1st customer comes up and presents the landlord with a christmas card.

    Nice one says the landlord - thats christmasy - free drinks for you

    2nd customer comes up and gives the landlord some holly.

    Nice one again, free drinks for you sir

    Then the third customer comes up and hands the landlord a pair of used ladies knickers

    " Bloody hell - what have these got to do with Christmas? " Asks the landlord

    " Their Carol’s! " replies the customer!!!
     
  10. barnstyke

    barnstyke Guest

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    A girl sits on Santa’s lap and Santa asks the little lady "Well little girl, what are you wanting this year for Christmas?" In responce the girl says "Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe."
    Bewildered Santa says "Dosen’t Barbie come with Ken?"
    To which the little’ girl replys "No Santa, Barbie cums with G.I.Joe, she fakes it with ken.
     
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