Ma and Pa were rocking on the front porch when pa turned and slapped ma. Ma said,"What was that for?" Pa said,"That’s for 40 years of bad sex." Ma said ohhh... and continued rocking. Five minutes later ma slaps pa. "What was that for?" he asks. Ma answers, That’s for knowing the difference.
This old man has a bad infection and he needs to go to the doctor. He has a bad hearing problem so his wife has to come with him. They get to the doctors and the doctor says " I need a urine, stool, and sperm sample." The old man replies " What did he say?" And the wifes replies " Oh just give him your underwear."
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts very loudly and with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"
A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can’t explain." "So what happened that’s so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that’s not so bad." "Some things you just can’t explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed, "Again?" The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can’t explain. I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain." "So, what did you do?" "Well," the farmer said, "I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can’t explain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought it was a good un. LOL
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage In the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What’s the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A woman goes over to her married son’s house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law said, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven’t made love in a while, so I wore it.” So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.” She goes home and her husband wasn’t home yet, so she undressed. Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband’s car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” “I’m wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a strap on pleasure devise. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids."
John takes his friend peter salmon fishing in Scotland. After 6 hours of catching nothing, peter looks over at his friend john who’s caught over 20 fish and asks him what his secret is ? John says that his brother works in a morgue in London and that the last thing in the human body to go stiff is the belly button. So he cuts them out for me and sends them me every now and again. Peter asks why is it you smell them every time you put one on the hook. John says that his brother is a bit of a comedian and sometimes puts a couple of arse holes in the bag.
One day a man walked into a bar. Upon entering he saw a jar of money on the bar. He walked over to the bartender. "What is the jar of money for?" the man asked. "Well, it’s sort-of strange. See there’s a horse out back, and it has been depressed for a while." So the money is for anyone that can make the horse smile again "I can fix that." said the man. The man walks out the back door, and about five secounds later the man comes back in. "I made the horse laugh." the man stated proudly. The bartender, with a confused look on his face, walked out back and saw the horse laughing. The bartender came back in with a puzzled look on his face and gave the man the jar. A couple of days later the man returns and sees another jar of money on the bar. With a puzzled look the man asked, "What is the jar for this time?" The bartender said with a look of distain, "The horse can’t stop laughing, so it’s for who ever can make the horse cry." The man went out to the horse, and after about ten secounds he came back in with a satisfied look on his face. The bartender was extremely confused. He walked out and saw that the horse was crying!! "Ok this is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. How did you make the horse laugh and cry?!" "Well," stated the man, "first I told the horse my dick was bigger then his. Then I showed him!!"
