A china man woke up one day and wasn’t feeling so good so he called his boss on the phone and said "Boss I no feel good, Me not come in to work today" so then the boss replies "I tell you what, when I no feel good I stay in home and I have sex with my wife, she make everything all better and then i go to work, you should try some time" china man says "thanks for advice boss i go now bye"........click, hang up......later on the china man shows up to work and tells his boss "thanks for advice boss, I feel A-OK, by the way boss you have nice house"
A kid in the class is told to say his name by the teacher."Johny Fukhour"the teacher gets mad and says no it’s not, little johny says yes it is ask my brother in the next room.So the teacher goes and opens the fith graders door and yells "is there a Fukhour in here!?",then one of the kids yells,"HELL NO WE DONT EVEN GET A DAMN NAP HOUR!".
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all in an elevator and they see a cum stain on the elevator door. The brunette goes up and sniffs it and says "it smells like a cum stain", the redhead touches it and says it "feels like a cum stain" then the blonde goes up and licks it and says "it is a cum stain but its not anyone in this building." Sorry to all blondes!!!!!!!! its only a sad joke. No blondes were hurt during the making of this joke. lol
There’s this flea, that just hates his life. One day he goes to the flea master and says to him, I am miserable, will you please put me somewhere where I am happy. the flea master thinks and says, I have somewhere i can put you. I will put you up on a horses hind, you’ll really love it there. So the master puts the flea up on the hind of the horse. The next day the flea calls the master again and says " you have to get me out of here. this horse is killing me with his tail" the master says I have another place I can put you. I will put you up high on an old country & western stars beard name Willie Nelson, you’ll really love it there. The next day the flea tells the master again " you have to get me out of here, this pot smoking guy is killing me ". The master says i have one more place I will put you and I don’t want to hear another word out of you. I will put you on old Dolly Pardons pussy, the master again tell the flea you really love it there. So the master picks the flea up and place him onto Dolly’s pussy. The next day the flea calls the master , the masters says no, I told you I didn’t want to hear from you again and to leave me alone. The flea says but master you don’t understand, I’m back in Willie Nelson beard.
One day, a woman was talking to her friend about her upcoming marriage. She says, " I don’t know what to do! My fiance is a virgin and he thinks that I’m one too! Of course, I’m not, but this may be a deal breaker with him. What should I do?" Her friend thinks for a minute and says, "Well ya know, if he is a virgin, then he should be easy to fool. All you have to do is wrap an elastic band around your thigh, and snap it when he starts making love to you. If he asks what the sound was, just tell him it’s proof you’re a virgin, that he just popped your cherry!" The woman laughs and says, "Great,thanks. I’ll try it." Well, the wedding day came, and the festivities of the night began. He puts his willie into her, and she snaps the band. "What the hell was that?", he said She says,"Oh honey, that just proves that I’m a virgin! You just popped my cherry" He says, "Well, can ya tell me how to pop it again, quick? ONE OF MY NUTS IS CAUGHT IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man walking past a shop sees a sign saying pie’s 50cents and a wank $5 Dollars. He walks in and sees a right good looking lady behind the counter. He say’s "are you the one who give’s the wanks for $5 Dollars"? She says "yes thats me" To which the man replies "good now go and wash your f**king hands, I want a PIE".
A burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn’t dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man’s wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. “Are you the one that spoke to me just now?” asked the burglar. “Yes, I am,” said the parrot. “Why did you say ‘Jesus is watching you’?’” asked the man. “Because I felt like you needed to be warned,” replied the parrot. By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare him. “What’s your name?” asked the burglar. “Moses,” the parrot said. “Ha,” the man said, guffawing. “What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?” “The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.”
A momma polar and baby polar bear are sitting on an iceberg eating fish. The baby polar bear asks "Momma, am I part panda bear?" "No, son" she replies, "you’re a polar bear". The baby polar bear thinks about this for a few minutes then asks "Momma? Am I part koala bear?" Slightly puzzled, his mother replies more emphatically "No, son, you are all polar bear. Now eat your fish." The baby polar muches on his fish a few mor minutes then pipes up again. "Well momma, are you sure I’m not part brown bear, or grizzly bear, or sumpin’?" Perplexed, the momma polar bear answers "Son, you are one hundred percent polar bear. Why do you ask?" "Because I’m freezing!"
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is two miles away. So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn’t bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn’t bring it. So they’re stuck two miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn’t back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts: "I KNEW IT’......I’M NOT F**KING GOING!"
There was this couple. Every morning for 20 years the man would go down stairs and his wife would slide down the banister rail nude. One day the man got tired of this and drove a nail half way in at the bottom of the banister. When she slid down the rail it split her wide open her husband rushed her to the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor asked the man "how tight do you want me to sew her up". The man looked at him and said "you are a doctor and i trust you know what you are doing so make her as tight as your wife" and the doctor said "well take her home and let her slide down the rail 1 more time.
