Sorry about the Creation of a p***** Joke, so heres more

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He’s on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar crying. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That’s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" Asked Jeff

"I kicked her in the face."

 

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbour?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open."

 

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ’’Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.’’ The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ’’What the hell are you laughing at?’’
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ’’Pierce is coming back with watermelons.’’’

 

Boy, some of those are really twisted! I love it! Here's one for you! Its kinda long but I think you'll like it:


This guy walks into a tavern and sitting on the bar is a huge jar full of money. The guy looks at the barkeep and says, “There must be thousands of dollars in there! What’s the story?” The barkeep begins to tell him “Its just money gathered from good folk like yourself that were asked to contribute to the jar for a chance to win it's contents.” So, curiously the guy asks, “So what do you have to do to win the money?” The barkeep replies, “You must perform three tasks to get the money. The first task is drinking this bottle of tequila without stopping, but be forewarned, it is spiked with habanero extract and is therefore very hot!” So the guy sits waiting anxious for more, so asks the barkeep, “Ok what are the other 2 tasks?” The barkeep replies, “Well nobody has really gotten past the first one but here goes the rest, “The second task is to remove the bad tooth from the pit bull that lives in the alley behind the tavern, (he has been in a very foul mood lately). The last task to complete is upstairs. There is an 80 yr old woman that lives there and she has never had an orgasm. You must satisfy her in order to win the money.”

The guy sits at the bar and ponders all of this for a moment before he declares, “I’ll give it a shot! How much?” The barkeep looks up to see the crowd start to form around the bar and he tells the guy, “It’s $50 for the chance.” The guy pays him the money, gets the bottle of tequila and starts drinking it down, with tears running from his eyes and visible cringes from the intense heat and pain he finishes the last drop and falls to his knees gasping for breath.

The barkeep and crowd cheers, as he is the first to ever complete the first task! The man gathers himself to his feet (with help) very smug (and drunk)! The crowd ushers him though the doorway to the alley and push him outside, closing the door behind him. “Oh the poor, brave fellow.” they say as they go back to their drinks saying “That dog will tear him limb from limb if he tries to pull out that tooth!” They begin to hear the man scream in pain, when suddenly it’s the dog that starts howling madly in obvious torment! They crowd shifts back to the door just as the guy comes stumbling back in “Alright, that ones done too!!! Now where’s that old lady with the bad tooth!”


:shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Hahaha....At last, someone else thats a little twisted. LOL

A man is walking around getting drunk holding a duck under his arm. Once drunk enough he decides to go home. He walks up to his door and knocks and his wife answers, he says with the duck under his arm this is the pig I been f**king. The wife replies thats not a pig dumbass thats a duck. He says I was talking to the duck.

 

A guy goes to the doctor for a routine physical. At the end of it the doctor tells him, "Everything checks out but, I have to tell you that you have the dirtiest balls that I have ever seen." The guy goes home and sees his wife there busy cleaning up some mess that the kids made. He says to her, " Honey, we have to talk about something..." She replies "I can't right now, I've been so busy with work and chasing after these kids that I don't have time to wipe my own a$$ anymore!"

"That is exactly what we have to talk about!" :wink:

 

An owner of a painting company needs to hirer a painter for a job he is doing. So he goes down to the unemplyoment office to hire a painter. They tell him they don’t have any - the only person they have is at the moment is a gynecologist. He says that won’t do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynecologist.

Two weeks later he returns asking for the gynecologist. They tell him that he has found employment and is no longer with them and that they now have painters looking for work. The owner of the painting company tells them that he really needs the gynecologist. They ask him why?

He tells them that two weeks earlier he took the gynecologist down to the job site and the front door was locked - he had no key. That guy painted the entire house through the keyhole!

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start ringing. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn’t come along."