Applies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn & remember: 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north. Pick one. 4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL! CHILI!!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a noodle! 12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards- it spooks the fish. 15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays. 16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get you whipped by the best. 17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."
For me it was "I was not born Texas but I got here as quick as possible", which was true I was born in Alabama then about 3-6 months after that my dad's job transfered him to Texas. Well, March 2nd is my last day at work, then on March 6th I drive up to Oklahoma City for 10 weeks of training and certification then after I pass that (last day of it should be May 11th) I move to Ohio. My work and my family are planning serperate parties and one of my co-workers is taking me to a Stars Game on the 4th of March, I get to see the Stars play against the Avelanche.
When pigs fly , I will try to go and see Columbus play but I will always be a Cowboys, Stars, and Mavericks fan. One thing I am going to do when I move to Ohio is when I either get cable or satalite I am going to get the NHL season ticket thing so I can watch and or record the Stars games
Def. try to see a Cavaliers game while LeBron is still there. He might stay, but with the way money flies around you never can tell. Isn't he a free agent after next season?
Loved the Rules of Texas...and just so ya'll know, we will enforce em. When I read the part about "chili" I remembered this joke I read once, made me cry I laughed so hard Enjoy! A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." The scorecards from the event: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.-- He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. The heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
