Rules to Enter Texas

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Michael F., Feb 17, 2006.

  1. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

    Feb 17, 2003
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    Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

    Learn & remember:

    1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

    2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

    3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north. Pick one.

    4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

    5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

    6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

    8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

    9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

    10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

    11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.

    Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL!
    CHILI!!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a noodle!

    12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

    13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

    14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards- it spooks the fish.

    15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

    16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

    17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:

    "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."
  2. Mikey

    Mikey Guest

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    That was great, even when I move to Ohio, my mind body and soul will still be part of Texas
  3. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

    Feb 17, 2003
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    Once a Texan always a Texan I always say :D

    So, when's the big move, Mikey?
  4. Mikey

    Mikey Guest

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    For me it was "I was not born Texas but I got here as quick as possible", which was true I was born in Alabama then about 3-6 months after that my dad's job transfered him to Texas.

    Well, March 2nd is my last day at work, then on March 6th I drive up to Oklahoma City for 10 weeks of training and certification then after I pass that (last day of it should be May 11th) I move to Ohio.

    My work and my family are planning serperate parties and one of my co-workers is taking me to a Stars Game on the 4th of March, I get to see the Stars play against the Avelanche.
  5. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

    Feb 17, 2003
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    And then you will be a Columbus fan, right?
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Guest

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    When pigs fly :D , I will try to go and see Columbus play but I will always be a Cowboys, Stars, and Mavericks fan.

    One thing I am going to do when I move to Ohio is when I either get cable or satalite I am going to get the NHL season ticket thing so I can watch and or record the Stars games
  7. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

    Feb 17, 2003
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    Def. try to see a Cavaliers game while LeBron is still there. He might stay, but with the way money flies around you never can tell. Isn't he a free agent after next season?
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Guest

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    I will do my best to.
  9. LeahN47

    LeahN47 Guest

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    Those sound about right!
  10. toddnheidi

    toddnheidi Guest

    +0 / 0
    Loved the Rules of Texas...and just so ya'll know, we will enforce em. When I read the part about "chili" I remembered this joke I read once, made me cry I laughed so hard

    A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole
    story without laughing then there's no hope for you.
    **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
    pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
    the third judge is even better. For those of you who
    have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
    comes around. It takes up a major portion of the
    parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an
    inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting from Canada.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored
    to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
    original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table
    asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
    the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
    that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    The scorecards from the event:
    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck is this
    stuff? You could remove dried paint from
    your driveway. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. I hope that's the worst
    one. These Texans are crazy.
    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
    jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
    be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
    besides pain. I had to wave off two people
    who wanted to give me the Heimlich
    maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.
    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
    spill. My nose feels like I have been
    snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
    by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
    Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest.
    I'm getting crap-faced from all of the
    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
    dish for fish or other mild foods, not
    much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
    tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
    possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
    refills. That girl is starting to look
    HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
    eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
    freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
    Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
    tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
    make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
    my forehead and I can no longer focus my
    eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
    offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
    directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
    if I'm burning my lips off. It really
    makes me mad that the other judges asked
    me to stop screaming. The heck with those
    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
    Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
    onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
    filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
    crapped myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No
    one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except that girl Sally. She must be
    crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
    snow cone.
    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
    canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
    threw in a can of chilli peppers at the
    last moment. **I should take note that I
    am worried about
    Judge # 3.-- He appears to be in a bit of distress as
    he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
    the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
    lost sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds like it is made of rushing water.
    My shirt is covered with chili which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
    full of lava like stuff to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy,
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided
    to stop breathing, it's too painful. The
    heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
    in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
    chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
    declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
    Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
    most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
    down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
    going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
    he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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