My all time favorite: A man calls home and a little girl answers. "Hi Honey, it's Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please?" "No Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." "Uncle Paul? Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul" "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy." "Honey, do me a favor, will you? Put the phone down and go upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy is just pulling into the driveway." "Okay Daddy." After a few minutes the little girl comes back all excited and says, "Daddy I told Mommy you were pulling into the driveway and she came running out of the bedroom with no clothes on and she tripped on the rug and hit her head and she's not moving. And Uncle Paul got real excited and jumped out the window and he didn't know you drained the pool to clean it and I think he's dead!" "Pool??? Hold it, is this 866-23**?"
heck....no way!!...im comin' there.....i always had a fantasy about a hairy mountain man tying me up and holding me hostage in a cabin in the mountains.... (.....sad that once i cleaned him up and got him shaved he looked like John Denver....sorta ruined for me....) but hey....its pretty warm in Mexico......i might leave puddles here and there when i thaw out.... (wink) Mrs SK
Dumb and dumber A mother and father took their six-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, 'The bigger they are the dumber the person is.' Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'parts' than his dad. His mother replied, 'The bigger they are the dumber the person is.' Satisfied with this answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
Too much too drink Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that .After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'That's nothing 'said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
My first wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said, "It'll be too painful.."
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
THE PRECEEDING JOKES WERE POSTED BY MR SEXYKARMA....NOT MRS SEXYKARMA...and yes...i hit him and it was painful!!
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
How can you tell when you're at a GAY picnic??:huh: Coz ALL the hotdogs taste like $h1t:lotsofmichaelfs:
