Jokes

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Neil_Jo, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    Why do midgets giggle when they play soccer? The grass tickles their nuts.
     
  2. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    What do you call a psychic midget who is wanted by the police?

    A small medium at large.
     
  3. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall?

    Dam
     
  4. Guido and Blondie

    Guido and Blondie Paty'O Panty Patrol Registered Member

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    That requires a rim shot! Baa-dump! Hey!
     
  5. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    I told that joke to a buddy. He responded with "WNBA"
     
  6. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. Shaved Yeti

    Shaved Yeti Regular Registered Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  8. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

    He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.


    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

    The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

    When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

    The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
     
  9. Rod/Jude

    Rod/Jude Enthusiast Registered Member

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    What comes after a COUGAR........ A MOUNTAIN LION

    Mounting anything she can and lying about her age. LOL
    Rod / Jude
     
  10. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this email...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
    MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

    Do something she likes, and you get points.
    Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
    You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
    Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
    Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


    SIMPLE DUTIES
    You make the bed. (+1)
    You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
    You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
    But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)

    PROTECTIVE DUTIES
    You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
    You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
    It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)

    SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
    Named Tina (-10)
    Tina is a dancer. (-10)
    Tina has breast implants. (-40)

    HER BIRTHDAY
    You take her out to dinner. (+2)
    You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
    Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
    And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

    A NIGHT OUT
    You take her to a movie. (+1)
    You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
    You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
    You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
    It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

    YOUR PHYSIQUE
    You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

    THE BIG QUESTION
    She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
    (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
    You hesitate in responding. (-10)
    You reply, "Where?" (-35)
    You give any other response. (-20)

    COMMUNICATION
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
    You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
    You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
    She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
     
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