Jokes

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Neil_Jo, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
    Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
    Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did.
    She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.
    Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon.
    When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2:00 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
    Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
    With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
    Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
    Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ...
     
  2. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    Outside England s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.....The fees for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7).

    Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
    The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

    Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars......and no one even knows his name.
     
  3. Bertie& Ann

    Bertie& Ann Enthusiast Registered Member

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    An American visiting some of his poorer farming relatives in Ireland said that back home in Texas it takes me three days to drive round my Ranch. The Irish farmer replied ; Well to be sure now i used to have a car like that ;
     
  4. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.


    The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"



    "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"


    "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'



    Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



    "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"


    "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?"


    "Why, eat it!Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"


    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


    While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


    "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"



    Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"


    "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"


    "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"



    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.


    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said..

    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



    "What are you doing Sister?"

    "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"


    "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



    "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."


    "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!


    Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."


    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect..The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.


    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

    The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


    "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.


    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.


    The Friar added," And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!


    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


    A big smile crept across his face as he said,

    "You fuckers are my kind of people."
     
  5. carribean

    carribean Regular Registered Member

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    What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?
    You don't appreciate either one of them till they go down on you..
     
  6. carribean

    carribean Regular Registered Member

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    What do you call a bunch of lesbian in a closet.?
    Liquor cabinet.
     
  7. fun4us

    fun4us Addict Registered Member

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    Not really a short joke but...

    A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't have that monkey in here, he's just gonna cause problems." Just then the monkey jumps off the mans shoulder, runs over to the pool table, grabs the Qball, and swallows it whole. "See" says the bartender, "get him out of here." The man apologizes and tells the bartender he will return the Qball after the monkey passes it. A few days later the man returns to the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and hands the pool ball back to the bartender. Bartender says "thanks, but the monkey needs to go. He's just gonna cause trouble again." The mans says "don't worry, he's learned his lesson." Just then the monkey jumps off the mans shoulder, runs down the bar, and grabs a glass full of cherries used for mixed drinks. The monkey grabs a cherry, stuffs the cherry up his butt, pulls it out, looks at it and pops it in his mouth. Bartender says "What in the hell is he doing!" The man explains, "Well, after swallowing the Qball, he now sizes everything up before he eats it":aktion061:
     
  8. Neil_Jo

    Neil_Jo Addict Registered Member

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    Just a little bump
    :ernaehrung024:
     
  9. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
    The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
    Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
    the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
    The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday I fish!
     
  10. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    "It's only when you see a mosquito landing
    on your testicles that you realize there
    is always a way to solve problems without
    using violence.”
     
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