Jokes

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Neil_Jo, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Neil_Jo

    Neil_Jo Addict Registered Member

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    A string walks into a bar.

    He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

    The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

    The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

    He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

    They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".
     
  2. Neil_Jo

    Neil_Jo Addict Registered Member

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    So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

    They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

    And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

    And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap,:blueshock: a talking muffin!"
     
  3. Neil_Jo

    Neil_Jo Addict Registered Member

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    A rabbi, a minister and an Imam walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Is this some kind of joke?” :ernaehrung023:
     
  4. Lee and Gail

    Lee and Gail Regular Registered Member

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    And in a similar vein.... Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
     
  5. Neil_Jo

    Neil_Jo Addict Registered Member

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    Whats the diff between a bitch and a slut :huh:

    A slut will sleep with everyone

    A bitch will sleep with everyone.......but me :icon_sad:
     
  6. L33

    L33 Enthusiast Registered Member

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    A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next to him, and says "Hey wanna hear a blondejoke?' The man says back to him" Look buddy, I'm blonde the man behind me is a 400-pound pro wrestler and he is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, the man to your left is also a blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it five times."
     
  7. L33

    L33 Enthusiast Registered Member

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    A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat the man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders a half pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets Exactly $10.78. The next day the man , the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. they order the same thing as before, and again the cat is rweally rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78, again the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly $10.78. The next day, the man , the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself thinking there is no chance the man will get the exact amount from his pocket, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat. He tells the man their bill is $15.63, The man reaches in his pocket and pulls out Exactly $15.63. The bartender is amazed and Asks the man "how do you always get the exact amount?" The man tells him "Well 1 day I found a lamp, I rubbed it and a genie came out . He told me I could have 3 wishes, My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change for anything I was buying." "very smart." said the bartender. My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol." " Good choice!" said the bartender. "What was your third wish?" asked the bar keep. "Well thats Where I fucked up, I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." .....
     
  8. L33

    L33 Enthusiast Registered Member

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

    Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

    "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
     
  9. GoGoBlanco

    GoGoBlanco Not spoilt, Privileged! Registered Member

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    Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
    A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
    :daisy:
     
  10. jeff & deb

    jeff & deb I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Baby Airplanes :

    A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary .. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

    The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

    The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
    "Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
    The boy said, "Yes she did."

    "Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you."













     
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