Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Neil_Jo, Mar 14, 2013.
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
A grandfather and his 10yr old grandson are out for a walk one day, and grandpa watches as the young lad bends over and pulls a worm out of it's hole in the ground.
Gramps tells the kid, "I've got $10 in my pocket that you can have if you can push that worm back down it's hole".
Junior thinks for a bit...wheels a-turnin'...then he runs off to the house, and comes back with a can of hair spray. He holds the worm all stretched out on the ground, empties 1/2 the can of hair spray on it, waits 5min til it dries, picks up the worm, and procedes to feed it slowly back into it's house.
Grandpa watches this in amazement, in awe of his grandsons ingenuity. He says, "Well kiddo...I guess you showed me. You definitely earned your 10 bucks", and gives the kid the money.
The next morning, junior is sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast, when grandpa strolls in, and tosses a $10 on the table in front of him.
"Grandpa, you're silly....you already gave me the $10 for the worm trick."
Gramps says........"That's from your grandmother."
Two bulls standing on a hill a young one and an old one looking at a herd of cows.
The young one says"Hey lets run down there and fu*k one of them cows!"
The old bull just shakes his head and says"hows about we just walk down there and fu*k them all".
Now thats wisdom !
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Guy to Girl at bar
Guy-Can I buy you a Drink
Girl-Uh no Thanks-Alcohol is bad for my legs
Guy-Do they Swell
Girl-No!! they Spread
What's brown and sticky?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?