Jokes

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Neil_Jo, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. SheikYerboottie

    SheikYerboottie Addict Registered Member

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    Rumor has it that Hollywood is scouting different locations, Jefferson County MO being a hotspot for casting and filming 'Deliverance 2~ The Squeakwell'
     
  2. SheikYerboottie

    SheikYerboottie Addict Registered Member

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    This week marks the 20th anniversary of OJ Simpson's 'Trial of the Century! What was the last thing Nicole Simpson told Ronald Goldman before OJ kicked in the door? :"You can eat my pussy, but The Juice will kill you!"
     
  3. NJB425

    NJB425 Addict Registered Member

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    whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?


    you can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
     
  4. cassandmar

    cassandmar Addict Registered Member

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    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No.

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?
     
  5. krimmer2

    krimmer2 Regular Registered Member

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    It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
     
  6. krimmer2

    krimmer2 Regular Registered Member

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    blackcat
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    This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

    blackcat, Sep 20, 2015 Report#322+ QuoteReply
     
  7. krimmer2

    krimmer2 Regular Registered Member

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    blackcat
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    This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

    blackcat, Sep 20, 2015 Report#322+ QuoteReply
    blackcat
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    Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

    The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

    The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

    When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.

    "Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

    "Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

    blackcat, Sep 20, 2015 Report#323+ QuoteReply
    blackcat
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    A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2016
  8. krimmer2

    krimmer2 Regular Registered Member

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    A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

    The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

    The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

    The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."
    The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"
     
  9. AJ-L34

    AJ-L34 Addict Registered Member

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    A nun gets a notice that she is being transferred to another convent. The convent she is being transferred to is all the way across the desert, and the only way to travel there was by camel. Being concerned the priest insisted on traveling with her. Half way through the trip, the camel gave into the extreme heat and died. Knowing that they were facing certain death, the priest asked her to grant him one last wish, he said "I have never saw a woman nude, would you grant me that wish sister?" She replied "yes father I will" she disrobed and he looked, smiled and said " thank you sister" She said " father.. in my entire life I have never saw a naked man, would you please grant me that final wish!" He replied " yes sister I will do that for you " He began to disrobe and when he finally pulled his underwear off, revealing a very large erect penis, the nun said "father what is that??" He replied "that sister is the rod of life.." She said "well stick it in that dead camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here". :)
     
  10. Ed&Mag

    Ed&Mag Enthusiast Registered Member

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    This was told to me by a woman,

    Down on their luck, a man asked his wife to go down to the corner and make them some money. Unsure of herself, he tells her "Just come up and ask if you have any questions".

    Shortly, a car pulls up and a man asks her "How much for sex". "Hang on" she replies and goes upstairs.
    "How much should I charge" to which her husband replies "$50"

    Back downstairs the guy replies "that's a little steep, how much for a blowjob". "Hang on" she replies and goes back up.
    "How much for a blowjob" to which her husband replies "$25"

    Back downstairs the guy replies "Deal". Leaning back in his seat, he unzips his fly and pulls out the biggest penis she has ever seen. "Hang on" she replies and runs upstairs.

    "Honey, can I borrow $25"
     
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