Jokes Thread!!

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Madd Dougg, Oct 12, 2005.

  1. ACBUD420

    ACBUD420 Guest

    +0 / 0

    absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!
  2. u2j

    u2j Guest

    +0 / 0
    My Candidate for Prime Minister
    (posted on free for all but some of you do not go there :))

    FOR Prime Minister in 2006
    Many are already discussing the future Prime Minister of Canada in the Year 2006.
    Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.
    For those of you who would like another choice for P.M., I have the best solution:
    It is probably time we have a woman as P.M..
    My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady
    that has all the answers to our problems.
    PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

    MAXINE FOR Prime Minister!!!

    Very eloquently put............don't you think?

    Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

    Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

    Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

    Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

    Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

    Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

    "I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

    "My thoughts exactly"
  3. Isabelle

    Isabelle Guest

    +0 / 0
    :lol: :lol: ahhaahh... she is hillarious
  4. Greta

    Greta Guest

    +0 / 0
    Murphy's Law in Sex

    1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

    2.Nothing improves with age.

    3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

    4.Sex has no calories.

    5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

    6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

    7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

    8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

    9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

    10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

    12.Virginity can be cured.

    13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

    14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

    15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.


    1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

    2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

    3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

    4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

    5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

    6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

    7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

    8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

    9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

    10. No one steals your chair.

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
  5. Greta

    Greta Guest

    +0 / 0
    The Pickle Slicer

    So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
    "Yes, I did," replied Bill.
    "My God, Bill, what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh, she got fired too."
  6. Isabelle

    Isabelle Guest

    +0 / 0
    *** BUMP ***

    Since everyone seems to be watching what they eat and exercising so much lately.. i though this was quite appropriate :D


    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
  7. Jack 10

    Jack 10 Guest

    +0 / 0
    Two blokes walk into a bar and the first man walks up tp the bar and saids,

    "I will have a pint for myself and a pint for my friend donkey"

    They drink their drinks then the man goes up to the bar again,

    "I will have a pint for myself and a pint for my friend donkey"

    So they drink their drinks then donkey goes up to the bar and he says

    "I I I will have a p p pint for myself and a p p p pint f f f for my friend"

    The bar-man looks at him in a funny way and asks,

    "just out of interest mate why do they call you donkey?"

    Donkey replies,

    "I I I dunno f f for some reason E-OR E-OR E-always calls me that!
  8. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

    Feb 17, 2003
    Likes Received:
    +1 / 0
    Just reread Madd Dougg's "How Was I Born" joke. Still funny :lol:
  9. jaynebod

    jaynebod Guest

    +0 / 0
    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
    The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap,I will grant you three wished"
    The woman freed the frog and the frog said "thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - whatever you wish for your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
    The woman said "that will be ok"for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
    The frog warned her "You do realise that this wish will also make you husband the most hansome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too"
    The woman replied that will be ok he will only have eyes for mo So it happened and she beacme the most beautiful woman in the World

    for her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world
    The frog said !That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you
    That will be ok because whats his is mine
    So it happened she is the richest woman in the world

    For her third wish she asked for a mild heart attack!!!!!!!!
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