Jokes Thread!!

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Madd Dougg, Oct 12, 2005.

  1. Mad-Ad

    Mad-Ad Guest

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    LOL! ha ha ha ha love them

  2. Geordie

    Geordie Guest

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    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

    As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

    "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

    "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
  3. Isabelle

    Isabelle Guest

    +0 / 0
    LMAO... :lol:
  4. Madd Dougg

    Madd Dougg Guest

    +0 / 0
    :lol: :lol: :lol: hahaha Good one Geordie
  5. ACBUD420

    ACBUD420 Guest

    +0 / 0
    hahaha good one
  6. Greta

    Greta Guest

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    Not Intended To Offend Anyone With These!!!!

    Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
    A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

    Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
    A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

    Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
    A: To see what was on the other side.

    Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
    A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

    Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
    A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

    Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
    A: The vegetable garden.

    Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
    A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

    Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
    A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

    Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
    A: She moved.

    Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
    A: A blonde parade.

    Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
    A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

    Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
    A: Third grade.

    Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
    A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

    Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
    A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

    Slammin 'em down!
    Joke Info
    This joke has been viewed 603 times, Rated 16 times with an average rating of 4.31
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    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

    The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

    When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

    The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    "Yeah, my wife!"
  7. Geordie

    Geordie Guest

    +0 / 0
    A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
    "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
    The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but air and some Nike running shoes with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
    Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
    He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program.
    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
    For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.
    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program.
    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
    "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years"
    The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine"
  8. Geordie

    Geordie Guest

    +0 / 0
    Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
    "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

    Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
  9. Isabelle

    Isabelle Guest

    +0 / 0
    d'oh...... haha.. good one Craig
  10. Geordie

    Geordie Guest

    +0 / 0
    Meanwhile at The White House...

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The main man in China!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
    And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
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