Man walks into a bar and starts making his way around the people in there. He eventually goes up the the guy standing at the bar and says "Excuse me, would you like to buy a wallet?". The guy needed a new wallet and so the seller showed him a number of wallets he had with him. He's not really fussed on any of them though and asks if he has anything else. "Well I do have this really special wallet," says the seller, "but I don't know if you'll be interested." So he pulls out this really nice wallet and gives it to the guy at the bar. "Wow," he says, "this is great, why wouldn't I be interested? The stitching s great and this leather is really soft." The guy looks a bit hesitant and eventually says "Well the thing is it's made from babies foreskins..." "You what!" goes the guy at the bar, "What kind of twisted sicko are you?" "Hang on a minute, everyone's got to make a living. It may not be much but it puts food on the table" the guy tries to explain. "What happens is when the Jewish priest circumcises the baby boys, he gives me the foreshins and I make wallets out of them. You said yourself the quality is excellent" "Well I guess you're right, it is good quality, and I guess you're just trying to earn a living, how much for the wallet?" "Well it's £200" "You're taking the pi** aren't you? £200 for a wallet?!" "But if you rub it hard enough it turns into a suitcase!" ***This is not in any way meant to be anti-semetic, if you take offence to it in that way I apologise, I'm just passing on a joke***
$1000 Competition The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.” Sotally Tober Starkle, Starkle, little twink, who the hell you are I think. I’m not under what you call the alcofluence of alcohol, I’m just a little slort of sheep. I’m not drunk like tinkle peep, I don’t know who is me yet. But the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. Just give me one more drink to fill me cup, ‘cuz I got all day sober to sunday up.
Posted by Sparkey in Free For All: "I will seek and find you . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you . I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!"
