TETANUS SHOT This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot." LIFESAVERS A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!" MY ANSWER IS One day in a classroom the teacher said, in 30 minutes everyone can be dismissed, but I am going to ask a few questions and whoever gets them right will be dismissed early. The teacher asks the first question. Who said it's not what the country can do for you but what you can do for the country? While Little Johnny was still thinking of the answer little Janey raises her hand and says John F. Kenedy. The teacher says, correct you may go home now. Little Johnny knew that he could have answered that question easy peasy. The teacher asks the second question. Who said, Read my lips, no new taxes? Little Johnny tries really hard to think of the answer but little Rachel raised her hand and answered, George W. Bush the first. The teacher said, that is correct you may go now. Little Johnny's Frustration overcame him and he accidently muttered out, Why won't these bitches shut-up. The teacher said, Who said that!? Little Johnny said, Bill Clinton, may I go now? HERE IS THE LAST ONE............... SIGNS YOU'RE TOO DRUNK * Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. * You fall off the floor. * You lose arguments with inanimate objects. * You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. * Job interfering with your drinking. * Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. * The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. * Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. * 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not! * You can focus better with one eye closed. * The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. * Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. * Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! * Your idea of cutting back is less salt. * You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm? * Roseanne looks good. * That damned pink elephant followed you home again. * Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. * You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex. * Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass. * The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. * You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night. * Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem! * You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile. * Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. * Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. * Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka. * For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal. * Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. * For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car. * You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. * Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. * Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" * The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. * Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. * Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. * You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. * You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round. * You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you. * You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?" * You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.
Okay my friend just shared a joke with me and I thought...why keep it all to myself?? Too funny!!! What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese....hahahahahaa
Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories on how they had died. First Woman: "I froze to death" Second Woman: "You froze to death--- how horrible!" First Woman: "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking form the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" Second Woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." First Woman: "So what happened?" Second Woman: " I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, then ran all the way back down to the basement and searched. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." First Woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer first -- We'd both still be alive"
5 jokes - like 2 the best..... Number 5 A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am,if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "Look, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ****************************************************** Number 4 A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you." ******************************************************* Number 3 One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ******************************************************* Number 2 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ******************************************************* Number 1 A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."
hey guys, i posted this in the Free for all but then noticed there is a joke thread here, check this out, tooo funny and real, http://www.cancuncare.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=15986&sid=f67fdbb6cef9bcd80fb972d14cb9ce82
hey Jo - only just now checked out your bday party pics! Looked like a blast man - The best bit is you could see peeps gettin progressively drunker as the pics went on - -heh heh
LOL LLV, that is right the bday party was a blast, and the pictures are just a sample . Before I had a gf, i used to party alot and get drunk more often, but now I must behave. I am definitely looking forward to showing you a good time here in Edmonton when there is a chance. I hope it is getting easier for you to travel around the city and find your way back home... Are you impressed with all the cow statues on every block in downtown? hahahah
"Definitely" A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants." Nude Beach Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" The little boy goes back and plays on the beach. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." The little boy goes back and plays on the beach. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, 'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
WHY CAN'T GHOST HAVE BABIES??? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE HAVE HALLO-WEENIES!!! Thought that one was cute!!!
