This one had me in stitches too....its a little long but so worth reading How to give your reluctant cat a pill •Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow. •Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. •Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. •Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well. •Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance. •Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously. •Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance. •Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap. •Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you've made far this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow. •Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. •Retrieve cat from neighbor’s roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band. •Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard-door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom. •Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. •Call 91l, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. •Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. •Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own. •Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetics, stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye. •Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish. How to give your dog a pill •Wrap the pill in bacon and throw it on the floor.
THE Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex: 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you. 6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. ... and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex .... 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR! Ski Lodge Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The Test Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with coconuts!!!"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.... GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: You're next I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
