I got this one a while ago....but it still cracks me up. The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
found another one.. enjoy HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname. com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8 ) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 10 ) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 14) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 15) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 16) Sing along at the opera. 17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 18 ) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.) 19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3." 20 ) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 22) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. 23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything. 24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! Third time this week!!!" 26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do." 28 ) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... 30) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
lol..lovin all thse jokes from around the world!That second jokes douug was a classic too mate..claire,loved yours..simple but affective :wink: keep em comin peoples,legends!...lol
12 SHOTS A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." DRUNK EVERY NIGHT A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed. We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway GLAD TO BE DRUNK A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." ENJOY THE JOKES!!!
