Why sentence structure is so important The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, because they were both great employees. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next day. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up. Al says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?" Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name?
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. 'God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed. And just like that......... Her ears fell off.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 'Tony, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.' 'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?' 'Stay the f--k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!'
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.
The IRS decides to audit Ralph , and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph . 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph 's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhe re in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph 's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
The Moped An elderly man on a Moped, Looking about 100 years old, Pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car And asks,' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?' The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! ' ' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?' ' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?' ' No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window And looks around.Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ' That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped !' Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show The old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds The speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot In his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer ! He slows down to see what it could be And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster ! ' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped ! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas And passes the Moped at 275 mph And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his Mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN ! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari All the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped Bearing down on him again !The Ferrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows Into the back of his Ferrari, Demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?' The old man whispers, ' Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror '.
