Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?' Melissa's father thinks a bit, and says, 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?' 'Osama Bin Laden,' she says. 'Why Osama Bin Laden,' her father asks in shock. 'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.' Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.' 'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.
Not really a joke, but I thought it was funny. THE RULES OF THE COUNTRY FOR CITY PEOPLE: 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-94 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5.. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person who lives here waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah....we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. 14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lions and the Tigers, and a dang site more fun to watch. 16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 18. We have folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1. 20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
a bit rude but still funny A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. What kind do you want asked the owner. A Female horth said the dwarf. The owner showed him a mare. Nithe horth said the dwarf can I thee her eythe ? So the owner picks him up and shows him the horses eyes. Nithe eyeth said the dwarf . Can I thee her teeth? Again the owner lifts the dwarf and shows him her teeth. Nithe teeth. Can I thee her twot? The owner picks him up and shoves the dwarfs head into the mares fanny and pulls it out after a few seconds. I will reefaze that . . . Can I see her wun awound
An elderly couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A kid's firetruck A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the Girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" Confused, the man replied, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," said the policeman. "You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears, 'When the check bounced.'
