A few years ago, I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's going to eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid, are on the play ground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' " "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Love Dress A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free." A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year." :lol: :lol:
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND-JOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks. "Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
A shy guy in a crowded bar is trying to work up his nerve to talk to a beautiful girl sitting nearby. He finally goes up to her an quietly says, "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?" She looks at him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, says, "No, I won't sleep with you!" The guy is horribly embarrassed and returns to his bar stool. A few minutes later the girl comes over to him and says, "I want to apologize. I'm a grad student in psychology and am studying how people react to humiliating situations. I'm really sorry for doing that to you. Can you forgive me?" In the same loud voice she had used, he looks at her and answers "$200! No way!"
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked "It a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I Went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
