HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. * My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. * I had no control over the drooling. * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
while proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends, the man led the way into the den. " Whats that big brass gong for" one friend asks. Thats the talking clock..the man replied, ...well how does it work, the friend asks....watch says the man. giving it an ear shattering pound with the hammer.... suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed... "Knock it the fuck off asshole, its 2am"
An old army man is waiting in the airport for his plane, he strikes up a conversation with a young cute blonde sitting across from him, she asks about his military career and he says he is about to retire after 30 years of service... she say, oh your wife and family must be so proud, he say... young lady i have no wife or gilfriend, matter of fact I havent been laid since "1955"... She responds quickly by saying " oh , my god that is terrible you come with me right now" she bring the man into the ladies room and screws him every which way possible, finally after catching their breaths and putting their clothes back on , the woman asks " oh, what time is it by the way" the man replies "2130"
Flight 1234 " the control tower advised " turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement" .."Roger that" the pilot responded, " but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "SIR" the radar man replied..." Have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Id like a pair of size 8 shoes, the fellow told the salesman... but sir I can see from here you're at least an 11.... Just bring me size eight shoes....the salesman brought the shoes and the man stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain..." I lost my business and my house, he explained, " My wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life, he says, is taking off these fucking shoes"
