The Age-old question... Can Cheaters Change? Posted by David Zinczenko on Fri, Mar 30, 2007, 5:51 pm PDT We'd all like to think that people can make changes, learn to compromise, and make their relationship stronger. Unromantic men can learn to buy a card every once in a while; women who nag can learn to stop themselves at least a few times they see toothpaste in the sink, or whatever it is. But those are small changes. The big changes -- the changes that can make or break a relationship -- are the ones most of us are really concerned about. And perhaps the biggest question of all -- when you consider that 25 percent of men admit to cheating in relationships and about 15 percent of women do -- is this: Can cheaters change? Is cheating an inherent personality trait or a controllable behavioral one? Can a guy -- or gal -- who strays learn to be a house cat? For these purposes, we'll consider cheating full-on sexual contact -- not only sex, but also its close relatives. (I fully know that 60 percent of men say that even having drinks with an old flame is cheating, 50 percent of men say visiting strip clubs is cheating, and virtually all women say emotional betrayal is worse than physical betrayal. So I know cheating is complicated, but here, we'll go with the traditional "Where did my underwear go?" definition.) The average woman says that the No. 1 reason for divorce is infidelity -- so that indicates to me that for women, their answer is no, cheaters can't change (or if they do, they don't believe he deserves a second chance). After I give you my take, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this very question, because I think your perception of this issue may very well depend, in some major way, on whether you've been burned -- or have done the burning. Can Cheaters Change? Not a chance! Once someone crosses the line in the relationship (again, that line being different things to different people, but for argument's sake, we're talking here about the horizontal hora), it's like a seal being broken on a pill bottle. Though some of it may depend on whether it was a drunken fling or an ongoing stealth hookup with someone at work, the fact is that once that trust is compromised, the offender will have a hard time resetting the relationship to its startup condition. Even if the victim accepts the offender back into the relationship, the offender will be likely to stray again -- because he knows he's already gotten away with it once. The bigger picture, really, is the fact that he (we'll assume the cheater is a he; sorry, guys) cheated for a reason -- that something in his current relationship -- for example, one study showed that couples with infidelity issues showed greater dishonesty, arguments about trust, narcissism, and time spent apart -- made him explore other options. And that's ultimately what makes him prone to do it again. But... Can Cheaters Change? Absolutely! Just because someone has cheated in one relationship doesn't mean that he's always a cheater in his next relationships -- for the very same reason. In the relationship where he cheated, he was willing to gamble it away. So if he enters a committed relationship where he feels there's much more to lose, there's a less likely chance he'll want to risk it. Does that mean he won't, or that he couldn't succumb to the temptations of the tight-topped bartender? Of course not. Cheating certainly can make some relationships impossible to continue, but some infidels can indeed change -- that is, if he hopes to make other relationships even remotely possible.
My opinion: Yes cheaters can change, but the cheated relationship will never work. Ex: 1st hubby cheated on me. I tried for 3 years to make it work, but cheated on him for 2 years before we finally called it quits. Been with current hubby for 6 years and have not once thought about being with another man. Shannon
Agreed Shannon!! It's the relationship that I think will never work out in the end. But it probably wasn't the right fit, which is why they strayed to begin with.
Exactly! I told my uncle that we should go to a bar and get drunk instead of going to my wedding. :lol: First thoughts are almost never wrong.
Interesting topic Dennis...THANKS A LOT! :lol: Can Cheaters change? I guess it really depends on how bad the cheater wants to correct their mistake, if the relationship they hurt is worth saving and fighting for...and being true to for the remainder of their life. 4 years ago I went through a divorce with Kevin...and he had 2 particular others that he was with right during the divorce. After I decided to 'play the field' he didn't like it too much, in fact, at all...even though he had no rights to say anything about it due to his actions....plus we were officially divorced. Did we make amends? Yes...we were remarried...and the first two years were really rough....lots of downs...but I can say that the last 18 or so months (minus the last 48 hours of quandary :lol: ) it has been wonderful and better than I could have ever imagined. It all depends on the couple....what they face together...some can do it, some can't.
Well I moved here from Canada to be with my boyfriend. He cheated on me for two years. When I found out i broke up with him, he ended it with the other one and asked for another chance. I believe in giving people one chance. I told him you lie again, we are done. He never lied again, it took a while for me to let it go but when I did , we got closer and eventually got married. We are divorced now ibut t had nothing to do with cheating. So sometimes I think people cheat just because they are with the wrong person.
I always thought this was an interesting topic, and I've debated it from time to time with others. So when I saw this article I figured I'd throw it to the forum for commentary.... I've read some interesting points of view here, but my position is still the same. I don't think the leopard changes his or her spots. Just because someone doesn't engage in a physical act doesn't mean that the person isn't thinking of cheating. Humans are certainly capable of making many mistakes. I know I have. But I don't believe that all mistakes are forgivable. And some are deplorable. Alcohol isn't an excuse. Stress isn't an excuse. If you break a trust, you cannot be trusted. I think that if you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling or based on trust, you leave it. Sure, it may be complicated. There may be kids involved. Maybe you bought a house together. Maybe it's an abusive relationship and you're afraid to break it off. Maybe one person is an apologist that thinks 'he's just going through a rough time right now and wasn't thinking clearly'... whatever. If your options are 1.) Stay in a relationship and cheat or 2.) Break up and pursue whatever options you wish... I can't see how a person would choose option 1. But then again, I'm not everybody. Interesting... I shall now get off the soapbox and go back to spreading love and joy throughout the kingdom.
I used to feel the same way. I was not a faithful person. I know it was wrong. Not as an excuse, but I had already given him the option to leave because I was having the thoughts. My best friend had become the love of my life and I couldn't fight the feeling anymore. He chose to stay (on the couch). He finally realized that I was not going to change my mind on our relationship and left. Not trying to justify my actions, but if it is not right to begin with, expect a rocky road ahead. I can honestly say that I have never thought of cheating on Zack. I feel that no matter who you are with, until you find your true soulmate, neither party in the relationship can genuinly be happy.
