Gun Control Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, Dumb Ass, stop clapping!'
Lawyer with a heart One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.' 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said. 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' 'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also..' The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' 'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.' The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.. The grass is almost a foot high.
You can laugh if you want to. Sorry! An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby."
A Police STOP at 1AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse........ and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really?.............. And just who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).. Obviously persons who get AIDS or HERPES are not eligible to be SHAFTed or SCREWed any more. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Management
