A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.
Football and the Blonde A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants ... and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
A member of Hamas was making his way back from a foiled terrorist attack in Beersheva...and was crossing the Sinai desert in search for a source of water. After several days in the hot sun he was crawling along the ground, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he found a wine bottle... with a label...Mogen David Blueberry!. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, but before he could drink the last drops out popped a genie. Now this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis. 'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.' 'I'm not going to trust you,' says the arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!' 'Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me dat you be a gonner anyvay!' The arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.' * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * * The arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?' 'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.' * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * * The arab was immediately surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare coins and precious gems. 'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!' After thinking for a few minutes, the arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!' * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * * He was turned into a tampon. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an member of Hamas doing business with a Jewish genie, there always is going to be a string attached.
Hey April Addicts! We've missed you all!! Pierre and I are hoping to return in early April 2012 for my birthday!!!!!
ok folks! :headbanger: i’m putting together the start of april’s 2012 .pdf file for us april 2012 TTR addicts. if you want to get on it, please e-mail me your: names, cancuncare screen names, dates you’ll be there (if you’re there in mostly april )(not going to include folks that are there mostly in march or may this time) & a picture of you along with your e-mail address to me— woody my e-mail is vetter79@rochester.rr.com phone# 315-986-7450 as the list updates, i will forward it to everyone on the list that i have addresses for. hopefully this worked out for most when we did it this year so let’s see if we can do it again! woody & sue (we’ve booked for april 10th – 21st 2012)
BEER, FISHING, SEX &GOLF A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 1. Money does not buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemies but remember those bastard's names. 3. Help someone when they are in trouble...... and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many (again MANY) people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again.....neither does milk.
