A man's out on his first business trip away from his wife for the first time. Feeling a bit lonely he decides to pursue an encounter with someone from the world's oldest profession. He contacts an agency and they send someone up to his room on the 10th floor. He looks and sees a very beautiful woman standing before him. He asks for a hand job and is told that it will cost $100.00. "$100.00 for a hand job???are you crazy" She takes him by the hand and shows him the window, outside she points to a pizza shop and says. "Do you see that pizza shop across the way, the one that has people lined up out the door, well I own that pizza shop and I own it because I give the best hand jobs around". The man agrees to the $100.00 and afterwards after experiencing the best hand job he has ever experienced says: "Wow, that was great, well worth a $100.00, that was fantastic, how about a blow job". She says that it would cost $1 000.00. "A thousand dollars for a blow job, that's outrageous" he says. She takes him by the hand and leads him to the window. "Do you see the mall that the pizza shop is sitting in, the mall with over 100 stores and no vacancies, well I own that mall, and I own that mall because I give the best blow jobs around" He finally agrees and hands over the $1 000.00, in exhange he recieves the best blow job he has ever recieved. He raves about it for hours, he can't believe it. Finally he says "How about some sex, the hand job and blow job were great, sex must be out of this world, how much"? She says "You know this Hotel you are sitting in, your in the 10th floor of a 50 floor hotel". He says, "OMG, you own this, and you own it because you give the best sex around??? She says................. "No, I don't own it, but if I had a pussy I would"
Drinking with an Arizona Girl A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' God Bless Arizona
THIS SIGN MAY OFFEND YOU… Sign in an INDIANA store front window... "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!" This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Whiting, Indiana. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign. Answer: "Owen's Funeral Home" You gotta love it!!! God Bless America
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK... I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status... Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Why the English wore red coats in battle A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at. In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers
So, I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point. The last question was “Where do women have the curliest hair?” .......apparently the correct answer is Fiji
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes.. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. sent to me by a ministerial colleague. We laughed so hard that I decided to share them with you. One last one : ) Do you know what 10,000 attorneys at the bottom the ocean is? A good start !!!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Great News: CNN has just reported that BP has replaced the oil cap with a wedding ring. It immediately stopped putting out. More news to follow at 11:00.
How To Shower Like a Woman: :umbrella1: > > Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to > lights and darks. > > > Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. > Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do > more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. > > > Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, > wide loofah and pumice stone. > > > Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added > vitamins. > > > Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. > > Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real > passion fruit. > > > Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until > red. > > > Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. > > > Rinse conditioner off hair. > > Shave armpits and legs. > > Turn off shower. > > Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. > > Spray mold spots with Tilex. > > > Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. > > > Dry with towel the size of a small country. > > > Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. > > Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. > > > If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. > > > > How To Shower Like a Man: > > Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in > a pile. > > Walk naked to the bathroom. > > If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' > sound. > > > Look at your manly physique in the mirror. > > > Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. > > > Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits > > > Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. > > > Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. > > > Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. > > > Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. > > > Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. > > > Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat. > > > Dry off forearms and butt only. > > > Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub > the whole time. > > > Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. > > > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. > > > Return to bedroom with towel around waist. > > > If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the > woo-woo' sound again > > > Throw wet towel on bed. > > > If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind > this, there is something so very wrong with you. > > > Have a great day! And, ' woo woo'!!!
