TRACO Tales from the HOT MESS EXPRESS: First Timer TR 7/28-8/2

What a fantastic experience. For all you folks out there that are on the fence...or worried...or curious: Do It. Book the trip. Seriously. This place is unlike anything you'll ever see or be a part of. Chances are you'll love it and want to return again. That being said, you should NOT go here if you are uptight, judgmental, easily offended by crude humor, or have insecurity issues. You should take a pass if you or your significant other have any trust issues between the two of you.

If not... if you do indeed pass this test...BOOK IT.

Being worried, though, is natural. Before we got here, the love of my life was worried about what her experience would be. Her major fear was of being peer pressured into doing something she either didn't want to do, or wasn't comfortable doing yet. As she can attest, her fears were completely needless. By the end of the second day, she had done a complete 180 and midway through the trip, was talking to newbies about how not to worry about any of that stuff. She now simply can't wait to return to this place. The swinger element is definitely there, but we felt the percentage of actual "out" swingers was extremely low.

A wise man (Stew from RobnStew) once said "Temptations has a great way of filtering out all the douche bags" and I couldn't agree more. Crabby, judgmental people won't do well here. You know how at home in your life, you know some couples that are negative party poopers and other couples that are a blast to hang out with and are literally the life of the party? Imagine going to a place where everybody is "that couple"....where everybody is a blast...and everybody is literally the life of the party at one time or another. I freakin love this place and I freakin love the people I met on this trip. After only six days, the love of my life and I have made lifelong friends after our wild first ride aboard THE HOT MESS EXPRESS.

DAY ONE: UMMM TOTO, WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE

Got to CUN and for some reason it took about two hours to get off the plane and through customs. Lines were insane. From what I hear, this was an anomaly. Our transfer was quick and arrived to TTR at approximately 3:40pm.

We nervously walked up to the front desk holding hands, hoping we wouldn't be attacked by crazed drunkin swingers. Look to left. No swingers. Look to the right. Still no sign of swingers. >>whew<< that was a relief. Did the express online check-in already so we were good to go. Got our bags taken to our room. I had read some negative reviews about rooms near Patty Os so was leery about being there, but that was all they had available. SO...we took a room on the ground floor directly a few steps from Patty Os. This turned out to be a GREAT place because it was extremely convenient and close to everything. The noise as night really wasn't that bad because we were usually at Patty O's until they shut down the DJ anyway. Perfect room...clean and very comfortable with a nice sized shower.

With our bags in the room, we were hungry and decided to get a bite to eat before we hit the sexy pool. So, we figure we would walk through the sexy pool area en route to eat. We went, holding hands and smiling while the sounds of birds chirping slowly turned to thumping bass, splashing water, loud laughter & cheers:

>>HOLY SHIT<<< People really DO have their tops off. My eyes popped out of my head. OMG. I see a couple of hot girls making out. I see people doing body shots off naked bodies. WOW. I just walked into a scene from late night cable and I don't even have a BEER YET!! I'm certain my girl is mortified. That's just "great". We start to feel overwhelmed with the site of the sexy pool. This is a natural first reaction, so be prepared. I recognize several people from cancuncare.com that we've been talking to on the website and they, of course, have their tops off. Needless to say, it's a liiiiiittle awkward making polite introductions when you are stone cold sober and shaking hands to say hello to topless women for the first time. Again...this is natural.

We continue walking and make our way to Margaritas to have a quick bite to eat. One thing that made this overall experience the BEST was getting to "know" people via cancuncare.com. I was looking forward to meeting a few people for the first time. Sitting in Margaritas while trying to decompress and process exactly where we are, we see this attractive couple stumbling along with the guy holding up his wife. "Hey! That's Chris & Tata from cancuncare!" I proclaim. My girl and I laughed watching them make their way back to the room. After seeing this couple stumble along, it kind of relaxed us a bit because the site was so funny. Chris & Tata would later become one of our core group of new best friends. Freakin' love those two!!!!

So from Margaritas, we head back to the room and suit up for the Sexy Pool & start DRINKING. I honestly don't recall much from our entry into the pool. I spent the majority of my time trying to slam beers and make my way around to talk to people I recognize from cancuncare.com. Little by little people begin to leave the pool. We then head back to the room after the pool and proceed to have a little "alone time". We then shower up and get our lingerie/boxer outfits on for lingerie Night. We later agreed that we wished we had gotten there earlier, before Thursday. I think we had a baptism by fire walking into lingerie night after having only been on the property for a few hours. I'm certain we would have had a MUCH crazier time had we gotten there even a day earlier and were able to meet some people before hand. The event was short, only about an hour or so. I won several hands of black jack so that was fun. Got a t-shirt & left.

Afterwards, we change and head to Patty Os where we really started to feel more comfortable as the Hot Mess Express was out in full force. The highlight of the evening was when "B" and Sherrell show up as a surprise to the rest of our soon to be bestie crew. There we met up with Chris & Tata, Jeff & Alisa, Lefd123, Sexy Sadie & her husband, BBG Party, B&C and several others. GREAT night that totally helped break the ice for the new TRACO kids. We ended up getting REALLY drunk to the point we have pictures we still don't remember taking.

DAY TWO: Boobs Cruise

This kicked ass. This boat had 65 people on it...the largest Boobs Cruise on record. TONS of people! We get on the bus & met Ryan & Stacy along with Jaime & his wife en route to the cruise. Perfect weather. Beautiful day. While waiting, we meet RobynStew. I was personally looking foward to meeting this great couple due to Stews hilarious posts.

We board onto the ship and set sail while blasting Highway to Hell. God I loved that moment. Sailing across ice blue water, topless women everywhere, drink in hand and jammin tunes. Freakin awesome. Chris from Chris n Tata was in rare form. His gravely voice barking out funny comments to random strangers kept me laughing. This guy is great.

The snorkeling was amazing: sea turtle, large schools of fish, underwater statues, barracuda and great coral. By the time we were done snorkeling though...we both felt kind of worn out. Probably didn't need to stay out as long as we did. Took me awhile to recover, and some people were losing their breakfast on the back.

From there the trip seemed kind of "long"...I liked going to the island but would rather have skipped the second island stop and gone back to the resort. My only recommendation would be to cut the trip by at least 25% and head back earlier. The trip back, though, was pretty intense as it involved various applications of alcohol infused whipped cream. Again...awesome and hilarious all in one. The final leg of the journey involved a group line dancing as we pulled back into the dock. I was glad we were back and unfortunately felt like I was still on the boat for the rest of the night due to internal rocking sensations. This was common amongst everyone else.

My girl was pretty hung over from the night before and really didn't drink at all that day. She had a spectacular white dress that she wanted to wear at White Night, so we stayed somewhat sober. White Night was a blast & was nice to see how elegant and beautiful the ladies looked in white. Great night and good conversations again with our friends RobynStew.

DAY THREE: ELVIS HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING

We got a late start to the day and didn't make it to the pool until about 1:45pm. We caught up fast and had THE BEST TIME!!!!!!!!! I decided to don the Elvis shades and well... we had a freakin BLAST!!! Tons of Shots. Women doing shots off each other. Walking around with a huge tower of shots for the group. JeffnAlisa has a great pic of him looking at the shot tower of glasses. Amazing. Using my Bubba Keg to full effect. OMG....this was an amazing drunken day. Air guitar lipsync with the lovely Alisa was a huge highlight. Can't wait to see video on that one (come on Matt!!! post that bitch!!) (btw...make sure you PLEASE vote for Alisa in the Miss Temptation July contest. DEFINITELEY deserves to win!!)

God. Just looking at the pictures are hilarious from that day. My girl lost a bet involving dinner reservations and anal sex that I was able to proclaim to the ENTIRE pool area. She correctly doubted my ability to cash in on this bet. (I mean...really...where else can you go and shout out to a group of people, "I'm getting anal sex tonight!!!" and not feel awkward afterwards? )

We had long drunk talks with Ryan & Stacy. GREAT talks with those two!! Love them both! The four of us shut down the pool. Various reports had us at the pool until around 8:30. Neither of us remember leaving the pool or going to bed. Word of caution: make sure you know where your bag and stuff is late in the day. As fun as that day was, my girl lost her super hot sunglasses and sandals.

Suddenly, my eyes open. I'm in a white bed. Naked. Not sure exactly where I'm at. Wondering if Mike Tyson's Tiger is in the room. It is 3:40am and we MISSED the pool party!!! Damn!! I roll over and wake my girl's naked ass up. We can't remember if we had sex or not. I then DO remember that we did...but unfortunately was unable to cash in on that bet So...we are dying of thirst and make our way to Paty Os, which thank God is open till 5am. Had the most amazing cheese burger and a tall glass of cold water for each of us. We met Niko, this nice guy from Germany & had a good conversation. Discuss with my girl staying up to watch the sunrise...but decide fuck it...back to the room & back to bed after another session of "alone time".

DAY FOUR: SUNDAY NIGHT FEVER AT NICE SHOES

Day four began with us waking up to get breakfast (which I LOVED the breakfast buffet. Absolutely delicious each and every morning). Sexed it up in the room & were off to the pool.

The first contest of this day was the Beer Drinking contest. This was more interesting and fun than I thought it would be. This guy from Kentucky (can't remember his name but really nice guy) absolutely KILLED IT! Even Chino and the the other host were like "Damn that guy can pound beer FAST". It was a really fun time watching that one. And then the classic: Daphne of DaphneinOK had a 3pm flight to catch home with her hubby. No worries. She rolled up there and >BOOM< slammed her way to the female beer drinking championship. It was amazing. Loved her and her hubby. GREAT people!

Somehow....someway...those crazy Hot Mess Express motherf*ckers talked me into participating with the "Dart Competition". Well....let me tell you....DON'T DO IT!!! It was the worst. I ended up "losing" the competition (although when you roll into a Temptation competition with Elvis shades on, you are asking for punishment). The guys were treated to wearing a nice pair of thong underwear (Thanks AJ for picking the one with most coverage for me) and as my punishment for losing, was covered with eggs, flour, cakemix, ketchup & mustard. So yeah for those of you there that day...I was the dumbass walking around the pool holding a sign saying "I'm a f**king loser". I could read lips of people mouthing out "What the F***???" I'm still cleaning red crap out of my ears five days later. Note to self: No more competitions. I head back to the room to shower up and get back to the sexy pool. I leave the Elvis shades at home.

Once back to the pool we have a great time with the HME gang. I'm talking with some of the guys and I look over to my surprise and I see my girl begin her warm up to do the splits in handstand formation. Somebody bet her she couldn't do a handstand. I start yelling to the group to watch because I know what's coming. My hotass girl then busts out her splits in a handstand move and I'm not kidding when I say the ENTIRE pool was cheering. I felt like the luckiest guy on the planet and then let everyone know "THAT'S MY GIRL. HELLLL YEAH THAT GIRL IS MINE!!" Funny how this was the same girl mortified by her initial exposure to the sexy pool and now here she is busting out a handstand with splits to the entire crowd. Loved it!! What a great time. I eventually had to pull her by her ears out of the pool in order to make it back to the room and into the Italian restaurant by 6:10pm. I think we worked in a quickie and eventually made it on time.

The Italian Restaurant. DAYUM that food is GOOD! We walk into the place and >surprise< there is a huge faction of the Hot Mess Express sitting down. I instantly tell the waiter to put us as far away as possible from these crazy bastards, but they make room for us at their table anyway. It was really a great time amongst friends. We laughed and cheered on the little fire desert thingy presentation. Eventually I think we got kicked out 'cause we were having wayyyy to much fun. We then agree to leave, change and meet back at Patty O's for a bit before heading to Nice Shoes for a Couples Competition.

This was, quite simply, one of the best nights of fun that I think I have ever had. After SWEARING I would NEVER enter another TTR competition again, I reluctantly agree to have us participate in the couples competition. It....was awesome. Funny as HELL. Balloon popping between couples was easier than expected. I then had to perform a lapdance for my girl. Which was great, but in my zeal to have a "kick ass" finale dance move I attempted the splits in front of her with the hopes of trying to "go down" on her in a unique way. The pop I felt in my hamstring as I hit the floor provided much needed motivation to get the hell up and end my little shirtless serenade. It was fun though. (thanks Jeff for your PT tips on how to heal it up. Jeff, btw, was one of the initial people who noticed us early on Thursday and really made us feel welcome to the group. Great, great dude).

Our final competition segment was a bit of improv comedy given to each couple. We were assigned the theme of being a Chinese couple involved in an affair. We had fun with it!

So after the show, most people clear out...but the Hot Mess Express?? Hell no! We were just getting WAAAAARRMED UP! We took over the stage and had the most fun dancing that I've had easily since college. It's hard to explain other than you just had to be there. Funny dance moves. My girl busted out a freakin flip onstage. Zac...OMG...Zac...is a dance MACHINE! That man is so funny. Then to cap it off, I somehow lead four hot ladies in a bizarre attempt at a choreographed dance routine that left the remaining crowd laughing their asses off. It was a random crazy time.

DAY FIVE: LAST HURRAH

Our last full day was a combination of more shenanigans at the sexy pool. Had fun getting to know AJ & Amber. They introduced us to chocolate vodka body shots. I think I enjoyed that more than the vanilla alcohol whipped cream. Great times watching "Mr. Temptation" contest. One of the Canadian guys we were with (aka Mr. Clean) was a bit too hammered to see it through. The two guys that won were hilarious and both had very interested combinations of what to do with a blow up doll. Both of us were so hammered by the time our dinner reservations rolled around. We showed up completely buzzed for dinner at the Asian restaurant. This place has gotten great reviews, but honestly, I loved the Italian more. The setting of the Asian is absolutely beautiful though. Huge glass windows overlooking the ocean at sunset was worth the reservation.
After dinner we ended up taking a power nap and heading over to Patty O's yet again for one final night of dancing. My girl & I were out on the dance floor till they shut it down. Great night. Saw some interesting dancing. These two guys, I think from Quebec, were jumping as high as they could in some form of mosh pit-esque dance. Pretty funny. We actually did have a girl run up to my girl, dance behind her and put her hand in "inappropriate" places, but I think that was about the extent of being "hit on" by a swinger. No big deal. Brushed her off and she went away. We were planning on going to Coco Bongos but opted to stay with our friends and it was another great night of dancing till they shut 'er down.


DAY SIX: SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

Our last morning was filled with goodbyes to all of our great new friends. The people are the reason the trip was SO much fun. Sad to leave, but excited about the next time we travel out East to visit! If you have a chance...GO TO TEMPTATIONS.
.....but you might want to leave your Elvis shades in the room if playing darts.

Thank you Cancuncare.com and Temptations for giving us the best week of vacation we have ever had in our lives! Can't wait to go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Well done babe! Love your report. Loved our vacation. Love all of our new friends. Can't wait to go back. ~TR of TRACO

 

Great TR buddy. I really believe that we have made life long friends last week. Can't wait to see you and Tiff soon! Thanks for the kind words and I will post a few pics of the lip sync ... After I edit for appropriateness. Lol.

 

That was an awsome trip report so glad you guys had fun.. We can't wait to go back. Just sitting here chilling with my glass of wine, man you took me back there... dam that was good.

 

Great report man. Cant wait to see the two of you again!

 

Awesome TR, funny as hell, thanks for sharing.

 

Great trip report, you guys were a blast. It sounds like some of it may be a bit fuzzy. I was trying to hurry Daphne along, you know beer drinking contest mere hours before you fly home, and looked up just in time to see you walk by with your sign, Damn me with no camera. I'm sure someone has a picture to share LMAO. Since saturday was a blur let me help you out.

Jeff

 

Awww CRAP I forgot to mention the beer drinking contest!!! I will have to re-edit.

 

You also left out the hole in the wall bar on the cruise. The crew was awesome and the bar was an experience, to say the least.

 

Here is a still from the performance.