So. I'm 36 years old, married, no kids. I've never wanted kids. Not a kid person. Can't really explain why. Buy anyways, that's not the point here tonight. Tonight, after another night out with "friends", this topic has come up... When are you going to have kids. And when I say "we're not", I get all these snide comments. "Why not, what's wrong with you?" "You're just not sure he's the one, that's it." "Everyone wants kids, you will too." And the gossip of "she's only saying that cause she can't have kids." (I can). I'm just so sick of being made to feel like less of a woman b/c I do not want kids. I'm beyond secure in my marriage, we could afford a child. I just don't want children. Does that make me less of a woman? I thinks it's better, I realized this before I had a child. I don't know, it just pisses me off that even now at 36 I still get this crap. Am I wrong? I don't think I should (be made to) feel like less of a woman b/c I've decided not to procreate. Ok fine, I'm a horrible person because I'm not having kids. Sometimes people just suck. Sorry for the vent. 42 more days!!!!!! Yay! :ernaehrung005:
Nope, it doesn't make you any less of a woman! I don't want children either. I have zero maternal instinct and have been like this as long as I can remember. I deal with the odd hurtful remark every so often. From those who planned to have children, they just don’t understand why I would choose to not even try, and I think others (the ones who got pregnant by accident) are jealous of our child-free lifestyle. So to answer a few questions I've had thrown at me over the years: no I don't hate children or have an odd fear of them, I don't think I'm depriving my husband of the chance to be a father (he doesn't want kids either), it doesn’t make the slightest difference to my opinion that there’s poor women out there that can’t have children, and I’m not refraining from having children because I think I’d be a bad parent either. In fact, I'm certain we'd make excellent parents, but since it’s a choice, I choose to not have to be an excellent parent. Yes I appreciate there’s a whole part of life I’m missing out on, and I’m ok with this – why can’t others be ok with this? People worry I haven’t thought it through, and I get the “you’ll regret it when you’re older” line fairly often too. No I won’t! Seriously, this is a big decision and not one taken lightly. I was the last of five children, and my parents were well into their 40s when they had me and my brother (Catholic family / no birth control). Growing up was a struggle – I was loved but there was no money, and by my teenage years I just knew deep down I’d stolen the last of my parents good years. My mum passed away when I was 22 after many years of ill health (we knew it was coming) and I lost my dad unexpectedly to prostate cancer 18 months later. They didn’t get to enjoy what little retirement they had together because they were still bringing up two children. Their lifelong dream was to take their caravan and tour Ireland and Spain for a few years, but they never got the chance to because of us kids still at home. These days I thank every day that I’m no longer poor, and I’m very much wanted by my wonderful husband. I don’t feel I’m depriving anybody of anything. I’m watching my brother struggle to bring up three kids whilst dealing with lack of decent employment (I help out where I can), and my other brother is currently battling an aggressive form of cancer with a 12-year old son and 17-year old stepdaughter at home. I’m just thankful I’ll never have to worry about this sort of thing. Life is cruel, and I’m thankful that if I or my husband are dealt a bad card in life, we have only each other to worry about. I’ll never experience the heartache of having my children have to deal with these things. To answer your question, there’s no clear answer really. Whatever their reasoning, some people are always going to wonder what’s wrong with those of us that choose for whatever reason not to procreate. The worst thing is you can’t chastise people for their beliefs. I don’t think people say these things to be intentionally hurtful, it’s just that they really don’t understand how a woman cannot want children of her own. I notice men don’t get half as much stick as we do! I think times are changing though – there’s a lot more childless couples these days than there was even 15 years ago. Lots of us are making the logical choice not to have our own children and it’s not got the same stigma it once did. Plenty of people are coming around to the idea that you can live a child-free life and be perfectly happy.
Here's a good article on this topic: http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/05/5-things-women-no-children/. I'm 33 and am in the same boat, constantly having to justify why we don't want our own children. From my friends and family I get a lot of, "you'll regret it when you're older," "that's selfish," and "who's gonna take care of you when you're old?" Few things attract more scorn in our society than women who appear selfish, which is often unsurprisingly tied back to our choices around partners, sex, and kids. The general population assume that all women want kids by default. And when men decide to not have kids, they don't get as much crap from people as women do. It can be difficult to defend your decisions when faced with so much ignorance, but always remind yourself that your life is your own and you don’t need anyone else’s validation to justify how you live it.
I think you need to rethink things...not about having kids but about your "friends". Friends do not criticize friend's...nor do they gossip behind your back. Especially on what is a very personal choice. You are not selfish at all. It is obvious that you both have weighed all aspects of your choice and decision, and have concluded that it is what is right for you. As hard as it can be at times don't let others bring you down on this...none of their damn business in the first place unless you choose to talk about it and then they should be respectful of your choice...not critical or try to sway you. IMHO Sorry for my rather blunt attitude on what I think "friends" should / should not be. Just so you know...I had a vasectomy at 37 when I was single (divorced), had no kids and no Desire to have kids. Have 4 now though...youngest is 26 (was 16 when Janice and I were married)...package deal, lol. Scott
Thanks Thanks guys, sometimes you just need someone else to reaffirm your thoughts. You're the best! :liebe011:
I used to feel that way. I respect it. I did have kids but even with kids and even though I love my own to death and always will. I was a good mom. But I am still not a kid person. I hate when people try to push their kids on you assuming that I will oh ah over a baby. Um nope. And I can't stand crying tempo mental kids either. Does that make me a bad person. Nope I am just real to my real feelings.
I'm childfree too! For me, my reasons are simple. I don't like kids, not even when I was a kid. I always wanted to hang out with the grown ups. I will give you my answers to some of the commen questions /answers that we get: 1. What if you change your mind? Then it's my loss. I would rather not wreck a kids life 'just in case' I change my mind. How selfish is that? Seriously FFS! 2. That's selfish! maybe but I think having a child that I KNOW I don't want is wrong. Period. 3. Who is going to take care of you when your are old? Seriously?!? A reason to have a child is to have a caregiver when Im old. How selfish is that? Ask any of the elderly patients in nursing homes about when their kids were last to even visit! I'm so glad that we made this choice. We are happy. We enjoy each other 24/7. There is no mommy/daddy here. Just 100% husband and wife. I respect parents and the sacrifices that they make to raise a human. I know that's it's not for me and that makes me a smart, strong, powerful woman.
I did not want kids either, unfortunately multiple birth control options were not an option. So we just looked at each other and I got pregnant. To young to get fixed so after 3 in 4 years, finally old enough and got fixed. I love my kids and they made us who we are today. But, if I could do it over, would not have them. We would have had money to travel etc. Thank God we are young enough and they are out of the house we can do that now. I'm actually a grandparent and don't spend that much time with the grandkids. Just not my thing. I agree with JanScott, maybe you need to rethink friends. If they are being ugly and snide, they are not friends
