Breaking news from my HS friend in Fairfax VA: Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa dolls for the Northern Virginia market: McLean Barbie This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's in Tysons II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. She despises the traffic, but is sure that someday Tyson's Corner will be the new downtown Chicago! Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Falls Church Barbie This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Instead she's taking an online course in Easy Spanish to learn to communicate with her neighbors. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately. Manassas Barbie This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Her boyfriend Ken works at the local sleazy tattoo shop and prefers her to stay blonde. Great Falls Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. See you on the bottom 9! Reston Barbie This former Dot Com Barbie cashed in her options before the bust and now "works from home doing freelance consulting" until the kids get older. She comes with a huge house on a tiny lot, and she channels her formidable energy and intellect managing the extensive social and athletic activities of her three kids, each of whom plays two sports, takes piano and karate, and is on the chess club. A member of the PTA, this Barbie is famous for running her daughter's Brownie troop like a Fortune 500 company ("Do we really have a solid ROI on Girl Scout cookies?"). Her greatest personal accomplishment this year was outmaneuvering the other uber-mommies to be selected as Room Mother for her son's second-grade class. She comes with AOL Ken, accessorized with a Porsche, giant gas grill, and flat-screen TV equipped with Tivo. Woodbridge Barbie This paler model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She comes with a Hooters uniform, and a bottle of hair bleach. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Select dolls come with prefered black boyfriend Kendall, complete with oversized white tee and chains to his knees. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Sterling Barbie This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Careful taking this one in the bathtub, her bottle tan might streak. Percocet prescription available. Leesburg Barbie This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home. North Arlington Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but you if purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. South Arlington Barbie This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken. Fairfax Barbie This multicultural Barbie takes classes at GMU or NOVA on Mondays. She takes advantage of all the happy hour deals Fairfax has to offer. She loves 1/2 priced burgers at Brion's Grille on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays, she gets 50 cent tacos at Carlos O'Kelly's. She frequents Patriot's Cafe for cheap pitchers of Miller Lite Barbie-Sing-a-Long Karaoke on Thursday nights. Friday night is spent at TGI Friday's until South Arlington Ken arrives and buys her a drink. She doesn't remember Saturday night, except for cussing out a Fairfax County Police officer at a checkpoint on Rt. 123 & Braddock Rd. Sundays are set aside for church service, homework, and Campus Ken. Graduated Frat Boy Ken is sold separately, but comes with a pair of new balance shoes, a hat from the college he graduated from and a polo shirt with a collar you can flip up, or down.
