Here is a thread for us to put some jokes on today....I'll go first!!! ____________________________________________________ A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You're gonna love this!) (Are you ready?) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! Have a good'n!
WWJD WWJD? Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler... "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."!!
this one is funny: Drinking Buddies > > > > Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to > the > > other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I > go > > home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before > get > > to the driveway. I shut > > off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before > I go > > into the house, > > I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot > in the > > toilet and > > pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my > wife > > STILL wakes up > > and yells at me for staying out so late!" > > > > His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the > > wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm > up > > the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on > the > > ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY" > > she acts like she is asleep every time".
I Thought You Were... A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and took a firm hold of her left breast. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
> >>> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man > >> > >>> and one of a nude > >> > >>> woman. They had been facing each other across a > >> > >> > pathway for a hundred > >> > >> > years, > >> > >> > when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, > >> > >> > with a single > >> > >> > gesture, brings the two to life. > >> > >> > > >> > >> > The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so > >> > >> > patient through > >> > >> > a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you > >> > >> > have been given life > >> > >> > for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do > >> > >> > the most." > >> > >> > He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go > >> > >> > running behind the > >> > >> > shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes > >> > >> > rustle ... > >> > >> > > >> > >> > After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath > >> > >> > and laughing. > >> > >> > The angel tells them, "Um, you > >> have fifteen minutes > >> > >> > left, "Would > >> > >> > you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" > >> > >> > She eagerly > >> > >> > replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change > >> > >> > positions. This time, I'll > >> > >> > hold the pigeon down and you sh#t on its head." > >> > >> > > >> > >> > ...... AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING???? > >
