As I read through the "Free For All", I notice a lot of jokes. Thought it would be a great idea to put them all in one place where everyone could read them, post them, and enjoy them. I'll start: Wal-Mart has everything ! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. ! (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom , I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, ”While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Parachutes A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a little boy were on a plane when it started having engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Unfortunetly there were only 3 parachutes remaining. The docter grabbed one and said. "I am a doctor, I save lives so I deserve to live." And jumped out. The lawyer then said, " I am lawyer and lawyers are the smartest men in the world, so I deserve to live." and jumped out. The priest looked at the boy and said " My son I haved lived a long life, and you have a whole life to live, so you take the parachute." The boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "No worries father, the "smartest man in the world" just took off with my backpack."
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids . 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids , are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Private I A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received following report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall Out of tree. I not see. NO Fee, Chen Lee
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while , he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:? 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No........not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?' The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
Researchers in Japan have come up with a camera with such a fast shutter speed that they've actually taken a picture of a woman with her mouth closed.
