Read this one today.. A lonely woman checked into a resort and decided to call one of the phone numbers she'd seen advertising male escort services and sensual massages. She flipped through the phone book, found an ad with a picture of a particularly strapping young man and called the number. "Hello" a male voice answered "how may I help you?" "I hear you give great a massage and I'd really like to experience one." the woman said.."and... well actually I should just be straight with you. I'm new in town, I'm all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. I want to do it all. How does that sound?" "That sounds great" the man replied,.."but you need to press nine for an outside line."
'A Woman's prayer' Dear Lord,, I pray for Wisdom to understand a man, to love and to forgive him and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength.. I'll just beat him to death!
New Government Seal Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
The Genie.. The Genie.. A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf. The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us!" So the couple walk up to the house and knock on the door. A man's voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh, year, sir.. We're sure sorry about that." the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary, actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "no problem," said the genie. "you've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world." she said. "Consider it done," the genie said, "and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "Now" the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses,, what do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT?" the genie said, " Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
