A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" I said, ......... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'... 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration
Larry's In The Hospital, Room 232 Ok, you are asking who in the hell is ' Larry '. Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been? ' Larry replies, ' I was out getting a tattoo. ' 'A tattoo? 'she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? ' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, ' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? ' Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital
The largest condom factory burns down in the States. President Obama is awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week." Obama: "Oh Damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea.... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?" Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans." Three days later, a delighted President Obama runs out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He finds five million condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, just as requested.....all coloured red and white with small writing on each one: 'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE MEDIUM'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) ' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. There after he quickly realized that he couldn't seperate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!" :icon_eek:
Why do guys like Southern girls better than Northern girls? Cause Northern girls say "You can!" Southern girls say..... “Y'all can!" :lotsofmichaelfs: Jamie
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?" "What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well." He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"
