*TRAFFIC CAMERA I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid.....*
Clean Hair... Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
two friends at a bar are talking about them returning home and ones wife complaining that he comes home drunk and late all the time.. So his buddy asks well how do you go home.. He answers....i get in my car drive home...once i get to the hill before the house i turn off the motor and cruise down the hill...turn in the drive way and stop the car. I get out the car and close the door softly and go in the garge side door. I hold my keys tight and head to the breaker box and switch it off so she can't see what time it is. as the clock will flash. Have my shower downstairs so she doesn't hear me. Leave the clothes downstairs and go upstairs to bed....creep in the bedroom to the bed...and then that's when she starts !!! Where the Helll have you been do you have any idea what time it is !!!! So his buddy tells him that's no way of doing things...so his buddy asks how he does it.. So he starts....I take of from the bar pissed as sin...take the corner near the house at 100 mph and screech the tires and slam on the brakes in the driveway....walk in the front door after stumbling to open it with the keys....then slam it closed...walk upstairs turn on the lights and look for my wife....SO ANYONE HERE WANNA BANG TONIGHT !!! Not a peep from her !!! That how i get home...never hear a word from my wife !!
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little bastard .
Bottle of Wine (Women will LOVE this one!) A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
Texas boys - > A Texan is drinking in a Louisiana bar when he gets a call on his > cell phone. > He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has > just produced a baby boy weighing 20 pounds. > Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but > the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas , folks. . > like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." > > Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, > "Say, you're the father of the baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth, > aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in > two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?" > > The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." > > The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 20 > pounds the day he was born." > > The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on > his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says.......... "Had him circumcised." > > God Bless Texas !!!
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... + Tourist: $ 5.00 + Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00 + Fried Explorer: $ 15.00 + Baked Democrat Politician $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politician?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of "s#*t", it takes all morning
California vs. Arizona! California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog. 1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. 3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. 4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. 5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals. 6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area. 7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. 8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene. 9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes. 10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State. Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog. 1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. 2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote. And that's why California is broke !
