2nd Annual Niagara Falls Fling

Discussion in 'Temptation Cancun' started by The Woodman, Jan 11, 2010.

  1. luvingcouple

    luvingcouple Enthusiast Registered Member

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    Email is on the way!
     
  2. The Woodman

    The Woodman I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Teacher asks a Redneck Girl to use the word handsome in a sentence!!

    Redneck Girl responds with this sentence!

    When I am sucking a dick my jaw gets sore so I have to use my handsome!
    Sort of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it!!!!!
    [​IMG]
     
  3. KenNJoyce

    KenNJoyce I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    My eyes are misting....
     
  4. The Woodman

    The Woodman I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Keeping it on top!

    One for the ladies....


    NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA
    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax', yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around i t tight and pull. It works!

    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
    I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

    Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

    I think I may pass out......must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

    I hold up the strip!

    There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. ..it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

    Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

    She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night..

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

    IT WORKS!!

    It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color..... :













     
    Last edited: May 25, 2010
  5. 4biddenpleasrs

    4biddenpleasrs I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    OMG I actually laughed out loud for that one..
     
  6. The Woodman

    The Woodman I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Thanks Barbie!!

    I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
    "How much do you weigh?" she asked.
    "135," I said.
    The nurse put me on the scale.
    "Well, actually, you weigh 180", she indignantly informed me.
    The nurse asked, "Your height?"
    "5 foot 4," I said.
    The nurse checked and informed me that I only measure 5' 2".
    She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
    "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
    She put me on Prozac ... What a bitch!
     
  7. The Woodman

    The Woodman I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Keeping it on top
    Why_You_Shouldn't_Wear_A_Bluetooth_Earpiece



    [​IMG]
     
  8. The Woodman

    The Woodman I can choose my own title Registered Member

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  9. KenNJoyce

    KenNJoyce I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .

    'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
    dress and began to take off her underwear.

    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
    and I was in the wrong one.

     
  10. KenNJoyce

    KenNJoyce I can choose my own title Registered Member

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    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
    After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
    'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

    'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

    'I said, 'Not much...my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
    like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


    'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars,
    or have a lot of sex?'


    'No,' I said.

    He looked at me and said,...
    'Then, why do you even give a shit
    ?
     
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