April 2011 roll call...hahaha!!!!!

lmfao!

 

LOL.... ouch....where's the salve?...

 

eHarmony

Sorry,
Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"

'My Dick' was not an acceptable answer.

 

Gee.. I'm still a bush fan... oh. did you mean the ex president??

 

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

 

This is what we take to TTR w/ us for tipping -They love 'em!!

Subject: $2 bill

Good Story




THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND: IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT! Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I am STILL laughing!! I think We need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The Younger generation doesn't even know they exist. STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 Bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone Getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill. Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?' Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him The $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The Following conversation occurs between the two of them: Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?' Manager 'No. A what?' Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...' Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.' Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything Else?' Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?' Server: 'I don't know.' Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?' Server: 'Yeah.' Me: 'So, why won't you take it?' Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.' He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a Shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.' Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?' Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get Change. Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.' Server: 'What should I do?' Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.' Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.' Manager: 'Just tell him.' Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back. The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big Bills this time of night.' Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.' Manager: 'We don't take those, either.' Me: 'Why not?' Manager: 'I think you know why.' Me: 'No really, tell me why.' Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.' Me: 'Excuse me?' Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.' Me: 'What on earth for?' Manager: 'Please, sir.' Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.' Manager: 'Would you please just leave?' Me: 'No.' Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.' Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?' At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the Phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the Dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few Minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?' Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) Funny money.' Guard: 'No kidding! What?' Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.' Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?' Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other Thing he has is a fifty.' Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!' Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.' Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?' Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of Here?' Guard: 'Yeah.' Security Guard walks over to me and...... Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to Use.' Me: 'Uh, no.' Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.' Me: 'Why?' Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?' At this point I am ready to say, ' Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?' Manager: 'It's fake.' Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.' Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.' Guard: 'Yeah? ' Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?' The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. Just think... those two will be voting soon!!?! YIKES!!! Too late, we already have a nation full of them SIDE NOTE- The store where I work, I once had a cashier call me to the register because a guest was paying with $2 bills, she wanted to know how to count them!

 

LOL@ Woody, that is a good one!!!

 

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.


"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

 

Good one Greg!!

 

REMEMBER--NEXT SATURDAY!
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WALK NAKED IN CANADA DAY​

Don't forget to mark your calendars.​

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim males to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 5 PM Eastern Time, all Canadian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed outany neighbourhood terrorists.​

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.​

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.​

The Canadian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.​

Our Home and Native Land ... Canada !​

P.S.. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don't send to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possible aiding and abetting terrorists.​

Hope to see you there!​

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